Your Humble Servant
by natzone
Summary: Still raw from his recent defeat, Jareth has gathered his subjects together after they return from their victory party with Sarah. His anger is great, but the stupidity of the goblins is greater... One-shot.


Your Humble Servant

Cowering came naturally to Hoggle. Like breathing, it was just part of staying alive.

And so, over the ages, he had learned to make plenty of room in his daily itinerary for a certain amount of trembling in front of the might of the Goblin King. Throwing himself at his booted feet; cringing; quailing—even grovelling when the occasion called for it (although that call always seemed a little louder to Hoggle than to anybody else).

But he knew that things were serious when he saw Sir Didymus. The brave and chivalrous fox would have faced death a hundred times over rather than consider retreat from a battle. And even he had his eyes carefully lowered, as they were all confronted with the overpowering wrath of their sovereign.

Jareth paced up and down the line of his gathered subjects with the pent up anger of a wounded beast. His fury seemed to flavour the air around him. Hoggle tried to make himself as small as possible, stooped over and inconspicuous. Please. Please target anyone else for questioning. Not me.

"You know why you've been summoned here, I suppose," Jareth said, every word accusing the assembled crowd of the basest treachery. The most profound betrayal.

A row of blank faces, ranging from the Wiseman down to the Worm all stared at the floor, avoiding his gaze and wishing they could go back to their everyday lives—having a cuppa with the missus, killing fairies, writing nonsense haikus, calling on the power of rocks, throwing limbs into fire. You know—normal things.

"I know where you have been. Don't lie! And I know who you've been with, having your little celebration." He spat the words.

"Yeah! It was great! Why didn't you come, Sire?"

Hoggle winced. Goblins. Too weak to fight their way out of a wet paper bag, and they still had more muscles than brains.

Jareth stopped his pacing and turned to face the happy, grinning goblin who had drawn his attention. He moved in a blur, so quickly that the eye couldn't follow and all of sudden, his face was only an inch away from the goblin's unwise choice of expression.

Jareth hissed, "Yes. Why didn't I go to the party of the teenage girl who bested my Labyrinth and defeated me, once and for all sealing her fate as my eternal nemesis?"

Another goblin down the line whispered a little too loudly to the Firey standing next to him, "I heard that he just couldn't decide what to wear in time…"

Faster than a snake striking, the Goblin King was on the other side of the room, holding the dangling Goblin by his throat, his gloved hand easily wrapping around the fragile neck. "Perhaps you can tell me, seeing as you have been so kind to volunteer. Exactly what were you doing in Sar… the girl's room?"

His only answer was a pained choking sound.

The Firey stepped forward a little out of the line-up. Hoggle breathed a sigh of relief. Better him than me, he thought.

"Hey, King man! His head don't come off!"

Jareth shook the goblin a little. "It will in a moment if I don't start getting answers."

"Yeah. Chill, man! We'll answer your questions, ya dig?"

"Good. That's what I want to hear. Apart from all of that terrible seventies jargon. Really. You should know better. Save it for the tourists."

The Firey cleared his throat and began to speak with a polished accent. "So, what would you like to know?"

Jareth dropped the goblin who fell into a heap on the ground, taking grateful gasps. The King turned to face the Firey. "What type of party was it? What exactly happened? What did you do with her? What did she say?"

Baffled by the onslaught of questions, the Firey floundered to find his right words. Which in this case, were preferably any that wouldn't result in him getting bogged. "It was just a party. A normal party. We listened to music, ate some food. Oh, and we played games."

The Goblin King listened with ever-narrowing eyes. His voice became deathly quiet. "You played… games… with my mortal enemy?"

The goblin on the floor, having had enough time to recover his breath (but not enough time to learn how to read the emotional atmosphere of a room) added helpfully, "Yeah! Mostly Scrabble—that fox can play, by the way! Although we did play The Game of Life for a bit until the Worm ate all of the little peg people… I didn't think he could do it, I bet that he couldn't, but it's amazing what a cup of tea can help you get down… and then we all said…"

Jareth lunged towards his chatty minion, pointing one of his gloved fingers. Suddenly there was only a space where a goblin had once been. Then, the King stared up and down the line, daring anyone to speak, to make his mood worse.

After none of them did, he drew himself up. He gathered his dignity again and regally addressed them all. "She is our enemy. And you would do well to remember it. That girl nearly ruined us all!"

One of the smaller goblins looked shocked. "She did? I don't remember her ruining me…" He drew his grubby hands over his body to shield himself modestly.

Jareth covered his face in his palms, suddenly looking weary to his core. When he lifted his head again, his expression was angrier than Hoggle had ever remembered seeing it.

"Hear this. I forbid all of you from ever entering her room again!" His voice cracked like thunder, only growing in volume. "I have special plans for that girl who came close to destroying everything I hold dear. From now on, you will not interfere in any of her affairs. Have I made myself understood?"

Every Underground citizen was quiet. Heads bowed. Deferential.

But then, the tension in the room was broken by the Wiseman jerking his head, waking up. He yawned. "What did I miss?"

With a sound of frustration that clearly communicated that he was at his royal limit, Jareth spun and stormed into his room, slamming the door shut on its creaky hinges. In his anger, he failed to notice that the door bounced, swinging open again.

The creatures stood awkwardly. Unsure. They had not been formally dismissed, and didn't want to displease an already fairly displeased Goblin King. And yet, it was obvious that Jareth didn't know that he was being watched by a gawping crowd of his subjects.

He stood still for a moment, breathing deeply. Gathering himself. Then, he moved to his bed and pulled out a book from under his fluffy pillow. Flipping through the pages, he walked over to a full length mirror that hung from his wall.

Hoggle may have been weak and cowardly, but his eyesight was excellent. Even from this distance, he could see the title of the book written on the cover: "How to Talk to Humans: Winning the Adoration of Mere Mortals".

Jareth stood directly in front of the tall mirror, reading aloud from the book.

"Step Four. Remain imposing at all times. Humans, with their extremely limited brain capacity, enjoy being commanded because it saves them the trouble of having to think for themselves."

The King lowered the book. He drew himself up, threw his cape around one shoulder and pointed at the mirror. "Sarah, I command you to love me!" He tried again, louder this time, one hand on his hip. "Love me, you foolish girl!"

Hoggle and the rest of the line-up gave up all pretext of innocent eavesdropping. They quietly swarmed around the door, jostling for a better point of view.

They could see him as he leaned into his reflection, trying to tower over himself. "You will obey me and love me. And that is an order!" Completely oblivious to his audience, Jareth continued to try subtle variations of Step Four.

Sir Didymus turned a little to whisper without being heard. "Friend Hoggle, I foresee that this approach does not bode well for our Majesty."

Hoggle nodded dumbly. He could only imagine what Sarah would do to him if he showed up in front of her, acting on the advice of that book.

"I say, perhaps it may be wise if we make it our quest to obtain a courting book for His Majesty from the Aboveground. Dost thou not agree?"

Hoggle twisted his body away a little so that the good knight would not be able to see the gleam in his eye. "No. He ordered us not to interfere. And I ain't nothing but loyal to my King."

* * *

I'd like to thank my lovely Beta, **futurejelly**. Although I'm not sure I'll ever be able to thank her enough for all of the time and effort she gives me, this is a start. And thanks to **Ellie101** for her prompts that kick-started this one-shot.

Please review, it's always lovely to hear from you.


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